the speed of dark...

rebirth, or...hello, i must be going...again..

2009-02-21T10:47:00.003-08:00

soooo.. apparently it's time for my ANNUAL blog post! (damn, it's actually been a year-and-a-half, but that's too wordy, and for the life of me i can't think of a single word that encapsulates that phrase)..... but don't worry, i won't waste this precious opportunity boring you with lists of reasons for my lengthy sabbatical... i mean, who really cares, anyway? thing is, having said that, it's kind of a tricky thing to find a suitable segway into the blogosphere again, after such a long stretch of self-imposed exile. so...how to start?

.....lame attempts at humor...?

Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it.

.......a bit of the old self-flagellation....?

..the floggings will continue until morale improves.....or until i settle into sub-space, whichever comes first....

or, how about something hilarious from The Onion...p.s.. this is DEFINITELY NSFW , and, due to the language, will offend those with sensitive constitutions....(p.s.. thanks, mike baby, for the link)...

and yet i digress...again...

2007-08-01T20:55:00.008-07:00

(re: my subject line..i was going to say "G-STRINGS ARE FOR P*SSIES"...but..that seemed a bit vulgar, no? and anyway, i digress...more on that later..)

..so i'm trying to make better choices in my life. replace a few bad habits with good ones. these weren't horrible, rehab-type habits ..just things that were not in my best interests. i could have done this gradually ... "properly" if you will... to maintain my effervescence, strewing happiness upon everyone i pass, as is my usual way... but i'm all about living life to the fullest and apparently going gradual just wouldn't produce the full-on drama i crave so much. so i've gone cold turkey on a couple of things, to fully appreciate the joys of withdrawal.

i've decided to give up my smokes, too. eventually. i'm quitting for the usual reasons - it's a bad habit, unhealthy, too expensive. (so if you happen to hear a news report about some withdrawal-crazed woman screaming naked through the streets clutching a bloody spine in her fists.....send chocolate.)

off on tangent #1: smoking is expensive. somewhere along the line i got some brilliant idea to buy a cigarette 'machine' to roll my own smokes......i had some sort of romantic notion about it, like i'd roll my own smokes by the fire while my husband, clint eastwood (young spagetti-western clint, chewing on a tiparillo) went out to fetch water from our well. we'd smoke our hand-rolled cigarettes by the fire at night, he'd give me The Look, and while i swooned he'd pull me to him, tighten the nipple clamps, and take me from behind by the fireplace. (sigh) but i digress.

oh, the hell with trying to figure out where i was before i digressed, let's talk about sex. alot of us people have fantasies about being spanked, or having some light pain inflicted upon them during a sexual interlude..but i read somewhere that to someone who has never actually experienced this, their brains are often locked into the idea of some romantic, "fantasy" pain. then when real life crashes upon them, when the clothespins get ripped off their nipples in the throes of orgasm, they crash headlong into the blinding, stinging heat of real pain. not necessarily bad, depending upon your point of view...just indescribably different.

and speaking of fantasies (and tangent #2)....the idea of romanticising doesn't just apply to sex. never having suffered true want as a child, i had some crazy ideas about what it was like to be broke.......i imagined myself penniless, sitting all alone at a little sidewalk cafe, sadly sipping little cups of espresso, trading scraps of poetry for food. then quite recently i ran into a bit of a money crunch and the clothespins got yanked off my wallet...shattering my fantasy laden ideas into a molten, screaming, indescribable mess...and it sucks the BIG one.

on to lighter news...it seems that in a world of rampant global warming, massacres of the innocents across all the continents, and bridges crumbling to dust in our own midst...well, at least we've finally got that whole ghastly visible-panty-line problem finally solved.

enter, stage right...the C-STRING. (which, when you actually think about it, is quite the vulgar name for this product)... these things make g-strings look like granny panties. so go to their site, click around, and appreciate this product and the photos, for their artistic nature.

i'd elaborate, but unfortunately i'm actually wearing one of these things, (i'm nothing if not thorough in my research for you, faithful reader)...and i can't string two coherent sentences together - not because of the ferociousness of my withdrawal symptoms - but because of the long thin piece of wire WEDGED UP MY ASS....

i implore you...send chocolate. or more clothespins.

raising my coffe cup to those who inspire me...

2007-07-26T07:14:00.000-07:00

i'm working too damn much lately. at least 60 hours a week for the last year, which really complicates this whole single parenting thing i've got going. i'm a bit bleary-eyed and burned out.

three words: starbucks quad-shot. my morning crash-cart.

..and although the entertainment area of my life (to quote mist1, see below) has certainly picked up, and has brightened my existence considerably...i've just got no time... no drive, no energy... to read, to fill up, to even begin to think of how i can make a difference (....or, of late, to properly clean my house - and uh, sorry you had to see that, mike)....

i made myself a promise last night to do something about this. and this morning, before i slog off to work, i'd like to mention two bloggers whose prose give me a bit of hope...even in my current lethargic listless pre-starbucks un-caffeinated state...

1) --> mist1 ... she's a goddess, she's hilarious, and she never, ever disappoints. and even though she's going through some sort of blogging vacuum of sorts lately...she's still the best. check her out...or her occasional posts at 'burt reynolds mustache'

2) a new one, at least to me --> eric313

i've only read two of his posts, and i'm hopelessy hooked already. he's a poet and writer, and into astronomy, and he reads kurt vonnegut, bukowski, hunter s thompson and david sedaris. i know, you're hooked already too.

check 'em out... you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll prostrate yourself at my feet in acclamation...

have a spanking good 4th....

2007-07-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

i get bored easily. combine that with my minute attention span, and i guess you can say i've explored lots of different hobbies, just waiting for one to stick. i love that about me - i'm an enthusiastic starter (-when i find a new passion i tend to fling myself into it with ferocious abandon), although i'm not always a great follow-througher. i like my hobbies the way i like my sex - frenzied, intoxicating, and hallucinatory. and with some sort of..stick. which is why i've recently taken up knitting.

have a happy 4th...and my deepest respect to all the troops who face the most horrific dangers daily and make it possible for me to celebrate all the freedoms this country offers....and who have fought for my right to say that, while i have the deepest respect for the office of the president, i am violently repulsed by the vile, abhorrent, despicable man who presently holds the position. and his vice-assistant, who will no doubt trigger the next apocolypse.

p.s.. this video is HYSTERICAL...

full moon...friday night

2007-06-30T03:36:00.001-07:00

..i have to be at work at 6:30 this morning - which sucks on a saturday. i woke up at 3:01 a.m. to a bright full moon shining through my bedroom window. delighted to have time to go back to sleep, i did...and although it felt as if i'd slept a coupla more hours, when i woke up again the clock said...3:14.

i'm not normally this wide awake (when alone) at this time of night to fully appreciate a full summer moon, so i got up to (mom, don't read this) have a smoke on my back deck. in my underwear.

there are lots of big fat brown spiders out here next to the lake, and one of them made an incredible three-foot wide wide web between the siding and our little table outside last night. it's so intricate that i didn't have the heart to destroy it, so in the dark i made sure to side-step it as i (stumbled) outside.

there was not a sound to be heard, literally. no cars going by, no airplanes - and unfortunately, no crickets or frogs, either. not sure if they're sleeping, or if that's a scary-global-warning-sign. i thought the ducks slept at night under the eaves of the deck (and they do, but not all night, apparently), but the moon shone so bright i could see little families of ducks swimming across the lake, and the fish making ripples in the surface with their mouths. there are a couple of little turtles out there, too. in a couple of hours a blue heron will stop by to have her usual morning breakfast on the trout and black bass in the lake and hang out on the deck till mid-morning, but right now i'm alone in the semi-dark on a dead-quiet summer evening.

my cats are forbidden by the landlord to go outside, and if the oldest one (a big, fluffy black tom) gets out, he'll leap off the second floor deck and chase the ducks and raise general havoc upon the landscape..so i left them inside. and they resented it, highly. after awhile, the only sound to be heard was their claws scratching and climbing the screens so they could join me, and it kinda destroyed the peace, so, all smoked out and with nothing better to do, i came inside.

the moon was still shining into my room through the two pine trees that shade our deck. they're a blessing in the summer heat here in the valley - it's so damn hot we feel like lobsters during the summer, you end up drinking ice water by the quart bottle this time of year - but as great as those trees are, they're always dropping pine cones and tons of dried up needles and they drip quarts of sticky sap onto the deck...which gets tracked onto the carpets when you come back inside.

in the dark of my bedroom, alone, i began to ponder imponderable things...such as why would landlords put whitish-beige carpets into apartments next to sticky sappy trees? especially when they know kids will be tramping on them. they might as well whisper "We have absolutely no intention of ever giving you your deposit back!" as you scratch your pen upon the lease. when we moved into our last place, before this one, i had no ideas the horrors a 7 year old could wreak upon a whitish beige carpet..oh, but we found out. now that my son is older, i've tried to keep the carpets pristine without becoming a nazi about it, but when you have kids, they spill. constantly. and i've already had to steam the carpets once since we've been here (three months) because of the sticky black sap. of course, the sap isn't black when it leaks out of the trees, but it is by the time it saturates the carpet. honestly, you might as well give a kid a bag of potato chips and watch as he patiently rubs them into the carpet.

and then i think that if i'm gonna be awake at 3 am i should probably ponder more substantial matters, such as how can i make a difference in this world, or wtf is up with men. but no answers come. and now i've got the hiccups.

naughty lola

2007-06-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

two posts today..because this one really cracked me up...these are singles ads placed in the London Review of Books...

Excerpted from They Call Me Naughty Lola by David Rose. Copyright c 2006 by the London Review of Books.

Ads placed by men:

Bald, fat, short, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not.

Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply -- you'll only regret it.

I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out, and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32. Rarely produces winning metaphors.

Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

Save it. Anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377? I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge.

To some, I am a world of temptation. To others, I'm just another cross-dressing pharmacist. Male, 41.

My finger on the pulse of culture, my ear to the ground of philosophy, my hip in the medical waste bin of Glasgow Royal Infirmary. 14% plastic and counting -- geriatric brainiac and compulsive NHS malingering fool (M, 81), looking for richer, older sex-starved woman on the brink of death to exploit and ruin every replacement operation I've had since 1974. Box no. 7648 (quickly, the clock's ticking, and so is this pacemaker).

You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box no. 3321.

Ads Placed by Women:

Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box no. 3253. Like I care.

Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tyres of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling -- I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 -- suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'

I'm just a girl who can't say 'no' (or 'anaesthetist'). Lisping Rodgers and Hammerstein fan, female lecturer in politics (37) WLTM man to 40 for thome enthanted eveningth.

Love is strange -- wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.

.....but could he PUSH the bus, too...???

2007-06-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

ok, just a thought - just how did they attach this thing?

and why isn't the camera angle just a little more...interesting?!
..i say this in the interests of science, of course....for verification...

(from metro.co.uk) (and, in the interest of full disclosure...i heard this story on the 'bob and tom' radio show this morning)

Jaja Stone thrills a crowd in Jakarta, Indonesia, by pulling a bus along... with his penis.
It was part of a strong man contest to mark the city's 480th anniversary. Mr Stone proved he had balls of steel by pulling the 8.9- tonne bus 50m (55 yards) using his genitals.

hello, i must be going...

2007-04-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

i didn't actually intend to pack my blog away for the winter..it just sorta happened. life got hectic, the way it does... and speaking of life, i ran into an old boyfriend recently at the bookstore. he was slimmer, tanned, still has all that gorgeous black hair, with his latte and a copy of anne rice under his elbow. things are clearly going well for him, and i'm happy for it - we always got along well - but instead of wallowing in a state of pining-and-wasting away, his not-being-with-me clearly agrees with him. which blows. and sucks. with a triumphant, dripless swallow.

although i can't exactly complain about the state of my life at the moment, either. we moved out of our tiny, one-bedroom (cave) into a spacious, cathedral-ceilinged place-with-a-view of a fabulous little lake. we count fish, ducks, geese and goslings amongst our neighbors now.

i've been gone for too long, and to recount the past few months would make for a hefty magnum opus of a post, so we'll keep it light today:

-------------------

currently reading: nothing. and it's killing me. i wander around lost, wandering aimlessly. we've just moved, and all my books are still in the garage. but the next book i pick up will be Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. yes, i'm a bit late boarding this train, but... better late than pregnant, i always say.
-------------------

word-of-the-day: "sublingual" ... can't place my finger on why, there's just something languid and sensual about the way it rolls off the tongue...
-------------------

joke-of-the-day: this week, courtesy of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on NPR last weekend - (Peter Sagal is the Sexiest Man Alive - and it's always a better show when Paula Poundstone is on) ... they recounted this old Grouch Marx joke, back from the days when Groucho was on You Bet Your Life...

Groucho: So, you got any kids?

Female Contestant: Yes, Groucho, I have eleven children.

Groucho: Eleven?! Did you say eleven kids?

Female Contestant: Well, I love my husband.

Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
-----------------------

current crush:

eddie. always eddie.

tidbits from strangers in parking lots..

2006-12-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

on the way home, in the darkened night, i had to stop by walmart to buy food for the little army of small furry creatures in my house...(and yes, i know and agree that walmart is the antichrist, responsible for the unexpurgated rape of america, and i hate shopping there on principle, but frankly...i still do on occasion, in deference to my budget. otherwise, my cats would starve)...

and for the third time this month, a stranger walked up to me in the parking lot and asked me if i'd like to buy some .... tamales.

from his car. (i suppose there's something to be said for his entrepreneurial spirit)...

of course, tamales are delicious when made right (and since i'm half spanish and half gringo, i know know of what i speak - my grandmother makes the best in the land, and i'll drop the gauntlet before any who challenge me on this)...

however, i'd like to say that while i'm always open to new adventures... buying tamales from a stranger in his car in a darkened walmart parking lot stretches even my stretchy boundaries...

i can't imagine that they sell very many of these, no matter how good they are...i mean, really...(it's hard enough to buy food made from strangers in restaurants. i mean, who really wants to read those environmental health reports from all their favorite local haunts??)

ok, ok...

2006-12-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

ok, so by and large (or should i say...CATEGORICALLY speaking)...men were not smitten with the smittens...

so i consulted the god of everything, dave barry, and found this for ya... starting at around $300...

although, i must admit that i have issues with this particular product...

1 - how much time does anyone spend doing their morning or evening ablutions...? up to one minute, at the most? so you'll spend $300+ on something that on average you can only enjoy for a mere snippet of time ...and then again, only if you're a guy, because we damsels have our back to it the whole time anyway....

2 - if you spend any time at all sitting on this thing, you're back will be to the fish tank, just like ours...

2a - if you're drunk and prostrating yourself before the bowl goddess, i doubt that you'll care about the view very much...

3 - if your bathtub has a view of the toilet, then your wife will occasionally dim the lights, draw a bath and light candles, appreciating the relaxing view...but you guys won't do that sort of thing, so on a daily basis,

4 - only your little kids, and your cats (-if any guys actually have cats), will truly enjoy this thing on a daily basis.

...i'm here to help....

2006-11-30T00:40:00.000-08:00

ok, so the vibrating soap was a hit, but you're now hunting for the perfect winter gift for the perfect couple who has everything...?

smittens . for lovers.

2006-11-28T00:04:00.000-08:00

two posts today, because i couldn't resist this quickie, from dave barry...

"Frank Florio sent an obit page announcement from the Watertown (NY) Times that states: "To Everyone and anyone who was in any way involved in my husband's passing, a heartfelt thank-you".

and on a lighter note...

2006-11-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

ok, it's here. the holiday gift you've been searching for,
for the person

who truly

has everything...

or DO they...?

i'll betcha

they don't have

vibrating soap (<--click)

i have seen the future...

2006-11-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

...and it holds tickets to "the fountain" with hugh jackman and rachel weisz...a film by darren aronofsky, so you know it'll be good. opens november 22nd...this one will be worth checking out...http://thefountainmovie.warnerbros.com/

roasting elmo, tickling mr. woody...

2006-11-03T01:04:00.000-08:00

...so i've had to do some deleting of recent posts, because although my page shows up brilliantly if you have a firefox browser, it was a bit messed up in internet explorer...which of course most people use. the problem was due to the html code in one of my recent postings, no way to figure out which one it was so had to delete the lot of 'em.

t.v. news : law and order is doing a new story tomorrow (friday) night at 10 - inspired by mel gibson's recent racist rantings...only in this storyline chevy chase gets to have the fun and do the drunken tirade - the info on the show teases that there is a sinister plot twist to this one, so be sure to check it out!

tonight jay leno had weird al yankovic (Love Him!) performing a brilliant rendition of his new single "white and nerdy"... that was fun, although not nearly as fun as the video version of it...

but to me the most interesting part of the show was a spot showcasing recent sales (-or non-sales) on ebay...these were supposed to be real (-actually, i checked them out on google, and saw the actual ebay listings. so the were actually real).... the audience was asked to decide whether these items actually sold or not.... here's a sampling...

1) 1 "k-fed" (kevin federline) "resume" (consisting entirely of a blank piece of paper- no kidding) - which actually sold for $37 ... (note to the idiot who bought this - what the hell were you thinking?!)

2) 1 "piece of toast WITHOUT the image of jesus" (not making this up - it was just a piece of buttered toast)- sold for $33.51 (?!)

3) 1 very charming little "mr woody hot dog roaster" (see below) - sold for 10 bucks... (i'd love to comment properly on this picture but...modesty forbids! however, i seem to be suddenly overcome with a ravenous hunger...)

and, finally...

4) (this pic was edited for tv) - a "life-size realistic mannequin of a super model" - 5'10 , long red hair, with a 40 inch bust and 23 inch waist -starting bid at $134.99 - NOT sold...(that was a bit of a surprise)...

i gotta get on ebay! i listened to npr in disbelief today to a story about how people are lining up literally all night to be the first to get the new tickle-me-elmo dolls for xmas (and the new sony video game thing - it's called a "wii", or something like that). i couldn't believe people would actually do this, until they pointed out that one woman actually got to be first in line, and bought the ENTIRE shipment of elmo dolls.

then was revealed the revelation behind this idea! the dolls sell for $40...but people are flipping them and selling them on ebay for $80 a piece...and the price will only go up as we get closer to xmas....so i've decided it's time to start socking away the tuppences and farthings for next xmas, so i can get in on this one...(i'm a bit tired of opening my empty wallet and watching moths fly out of it)...

....and the Smoldering God of Sex Award goes to...

2006-09-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

....clive owen...gracing the cover of this month's GQ...

here's how the article starts out describing him:

Here, at long last, is a man rather than a boy. So yes, he’s a lot better looking than you are, and yes, every woman you know wants to bed him, but you don’t begrudge him these things, because (a) he’s not pretty (note from me: i disagree with an almighty vengeance. he's blessed with drop-dead kind of gorgeous..) and (b) he’s not callow. Simple as that. It’s a vintage kind of maleness, Clive Owen’s, akin to McQueen’s and Eastwood’s and Newman’s. Never showy or needy. Sure of itself without being cocky. Totally in control of what it will and won’t give.

...yeah, that's what i thought, too, but i couldn't have said it better...although truth be told, i'm not just posting this as a pretty picture, because i care less about whether a guy is good-looking, and more about whether he's got some wheels turning in his head. when you look at him, there's gotta be some depth in there, beyond the pretty face...like matt damon in "the bourne identity"...or christian bale in "batman" (although personally i thought 'batman' was a pretty forgetable movie- i've been told by my friend rocket that i should check him out in american psycho, but haven't gotten around to it just yet)...

------------------

and in other news, do you ever wonder what your kids are actually doing when you leave them home for a couple of hours by themselves??? well, apparently MY KID keeps his halo on ...

let me preface by pointing out that last year we had a lush, colorful flower garden out back. however, since we also have birdseed out for our feathered friends, we tended to get lots of (birdseed) weeds out there. and cub had always been of the opinion that weeds are living things just like other plants, and they deserve to live, too, so he always protested when we pulled them out. (some of them actually grew to seven feet!). so we always kept a little patch in the garden that was just for cub, and that was his 'weed garden'.

this year, we didn't plant anything, and the weeds took over in a rather prolific manner (-although thankfully, not the seven-foot tall ones). and now we've been talking of moving, and having to do something about all those weeds, because our landlord will charge us if the yard isn't completely empty (as in, bare and dead-looking and covered in those awful bark chips). i've been waiting for the weather to cool to do something about it...and on thursday i came home to find cub out in the back yard, dripping with sweat in the unforgiving valley afternoon heat..just having finished pulling them all out! without having been prompted to do so!

i rewarded him, lushly...

my wonderful kid...

2006-08-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

had a great weekend. it was fraught with a frenzy of activity...and we had a chance to catch up with friends old and new.

..my son is sleeping peacefully in his bed in his new room, which is now in an unconventional room in our place, but it works for us. he's really happy. and this planet is a better place just because he lives and breathes in it...

more thursday thoughts...

2006-08-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

(wow - three separate posts today!)

....so life can be heady, exhilirating, intoxicating and ---> mind-blowingly tumultuous at times ....and since i toil tirelessly to radiate heaps of joy upon you all, here's a group of stuff i found off the web and some emails i received, to make today just a bit easier for everyone...

from a bad writing contest: The nervous and untried exotic dancer seemed to cling protectively to her brass pole like the edge of a roll of plastic wrap when you are looking for the beginning of the roll and it seems like it's healed up or melted into the rest of the wrap until finally you just give up and use foil or wax paper instead.
Dwight Jenkins Sun City, Calif. ( http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm )

True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it.

(...and finally, i LOVE this one...)

A Mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you. "

poor poor pluto...

2006-08-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

...well, with all the problems on this planet,(civil wars, international tensions, unabated massacres the world over), it's good to know that at least we've got that whole pluto-is-not-actually-a-planet-anymore thing finally worked out (whew!)...

thursday musings...

2006-08-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

...so i came across (he he, i said came across) this story today - about the world's oldest condom.

The ----->> reusable condom dates back to 1640 and is completely intact, as is its orginal users' manual, written in Latin.

The manual suggests that users immerse the condom in warm milk prior to its use to avoid diseases.

The antique, found in Lund in Sweden, is made of pig intestine and is one of 250 ancient objects related to sex on display at the Tirolean County Museum in Austria this summer.

joke of the day (forgive me, mom-yet again)

2006-08-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously."Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

sugar tits (forgive me, mom...)

2006-08-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

...so i was surfing myspace tonight (not that i have anything better to do, like get some sleep so i can get up at 5:45 tomorrow..um, today)...and came across this --->

i'm sorry, his situation is so NOT funny, but this is hilarious...!

(note that the prize in the box is a sample of "chaser")...

mr. incredible

2006-08-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

ok. so in between the throes of ecstasy and the WTF moments, relationships can still be pretty cool...
especially when
you're dating
------------------->>

autopsy room four

2006-08-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

need some help here, hopefully someone can help me remember...

the pic of actor richard thomas above (which unfortunately doesn't depict the full horror of his wide-eyed dead face as it looked during most of the movie) is a still from the "autopsy room four" episode of "nightmares and dreamscapes" by stephen king...did any of you see this? the movie, as you know, was an adaptation of one of king's best short stories ever.

richard thomas's character is a golf player who gets bitten by some evil mystery snake, the venom of which paralyzes him - completely - but allows him to stay alive. because of the complete paralysis he's assumed to be dead, and he gains conciousness inside a body bag, on his way to the morgue for his own autopsy. his chest doesn't move when breathes, he has no ability to move, twitch or make any noise at all to alert anyone around him that he's still alive, and his pupils don't dilate under a spotlight. but he can see and hear what's going on around him (from his limited field of vision, since he can't move). the full horror of his situation translates beautifully onto film, and you're held breathless in suspense, just waiting for the saw to begin cutting his chest open. the movie has a cool twist ending (i don't remember it ending that way in the book, but i admit it's been awhile...) did any of you read the book? did it really end that way?

anyway, kudos to richard thomas, all he really had to work with was his voice in this role, and he did it brilliantly.

nose cones and fantasies...

2006-08-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

...found an interesting photographer recently - erwin olaf. if you're into photography, you might like his site...

http://www.erwinolaf.com/Pages/Menu.htm

here's an example of his work - some of it's fantasy, some of it's really weird, some of it's nude - but it's never boring....

the first picture is from a collection called "tables", the second from a collection entitled "chess"...there are some other really really cool pictures in these series and others, but since my mother may see this blog and she'd end up fainting with her feet up in the air like a canary, i'll just share these with you and if you find them intriguing, please go check out his site...

love, sex, dying, tacos

2006-08-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. so is alot. - albert einstein

the thought occurs that weekends may just be a metaphor for relationships.... we spend all week craving the weekend, waiting for it, planning for it, and when it finally gets here, for all that we cherish and nurture it, we spend too few precious moments thrashing in the throes of ecstasy, and too many running our hands through our hair wondering "what the FUCK?!"...

so what's a single girl to do...? she'll end up watching sex and the city (alot, probably too much) and reading books (alot, probably too much) in some attempt to guide her through this thick cigarette haze we call love. and every book she reads gives advice that contradicts the last one, ("be mysterious" - no wait, "be yourself"...."he's just not that into you" - no, wait, "you're just not that into him, either"...) so dear girl, where does that leave you?

(....it leaves you sitting alone in a chair with your cat in a thick cigarette haze running your hands through your hair mumbling "what the FUCK?!").

or maybe that's just me.

stephen wright and the middle east

2006-07-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

J.C., the next time someone turns on CNN or NPR i'm gonna cover my ears and sing LALALA till it's over.

ok, i realize that facts don't cease to exist just because i ignore them - Aldous Huxley said that once, but i insist i thought of it first ;-)...but i'll tell ya if it's not some new story about the fresh horrors going on in the middle east, it's an interview with a woman who survived being run over by a truck and then beaten WITH AN AXE, and i just don't want to listen anymore... (although i will admit to being morbidly fascinated enough to want to hear that story, i had reached the bad-news saturation point by then and turned it off, so i can't provide the juicy details. if you're morbidly fascinated enough to explore it, here's the link to the story, and an audio interview, too :

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5554692

apparently this story was all over the news in 1977, but i was 14 at the time and only thought of boys back then so i missed it.

as far as the middle east goes, what can one say, when one isn't an expert in politics or the history of these things? after awhile there are so many atrocities on both sides, it doesn't matter who started it. it's the general population of regular people who suffer dearly for decisions made by a small handful of people on both sides who are in charge, or who are blowing things up "on their behalf". the general population isn't consulted about these decisions, but have to live with the consequences. how does one deal with this mess? how does anyone fix this mess?

all day i kept thinking about a stephen wright quote that i read awhile ago..."War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left"....

....on to more cheerful news...every once in awhile you'll hear a song on the radio that just takes your breath away. that has happened to me exactly 4 times in my life:

1. (alice in chains) - lane staley lustily singing "man in a box" - by far the coolest song ever. don't argue with me.

2. (soundgarden) - chris cornell with "fell on black days" - his voice insinuated itself deep into me on this one.

3. cassandra wilson doing the jazz diva thing on "you don't know what love is"

(3a - forgot to include anything and everything off of metallica's black album.)
(3b - oh the humanity! also forgot stevie ray vaughan. forgive me.)

and yesterday came the fourth: "lil' eddie and the blues imperials" singing "nobody's fault but my own", from their album "rattlesnake". i'll find a way to put a link to it here soon. if you like stevie ray vaughan, (and i do, he was a GOD), you'll flip for this.

p.s. i played softball today, thanks to janna for suggesting that i fill in for someone who couldn't make it to the game, and to monica for letting me play. it was a park and rec thing, her cousin is a member of the league, and even in 105 degree heat it was lots of fun.

but i did make the horrifying discovery that although i used to be able to throw a ball with an air of authority, i now THROW LIKE A GIRL. i played third base and at one point tried to throw the ball (actually, i HURLED it as hard as i could) to first base, but it only plopped as far as the PITCHER. (silently but thoroughly demoralizing). i can still catch, however, and i caught a hard bullet flyball that ended the game. i then stood on the bleachers and announced that they could express their appreciation by prostrating themselves at my feet and worshipping me. more on that later.

ok, time for another quote-of-the-day: "whenever i think of the past, it brings back so many memories"....(stephen wright)

CAKE, OR DEATH....?

2006-07-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

ok, so i'm on eddie izzard's website, watching some video clips from his "sexie" tour, which to my knowledge hasn't come out on dvd in the u.s. just yet...(although it's on cd)...and i've got to say that he's by far the sexiest man on the planet, dontcha think?...although for the life of me i can't begin to explain what it is about the man that ENTRANCES me so ... (?!?)...is it the unpredictability factor ?

(yeah, probably.) i'm lusting after a man who's got that smart funny articulate thing going and is so hot that i hardly notice that he's parading around the stage in a short black leather mini and fishnets, spiky stillettos and a halter-thingie... or that his hair is more heavily frosted than mine.... (although i wonder if he wore dangly earrings....would i feel weird about that? )

i can't say that the cross-dressing thing turns me on in general (although it doesn't bother me, either, i'm switzerland on this issue)... it's just that even though i don't currently know anyone who cross-dresses (-well, that i know of), the idea just seems so normal when he does it that it's a non-issue...

in other news, has anyone been watching the tnt adaptation of stephen king's "nightmares and dreamscapes"? cooool stories - [although i read the book in the last year, and i (sheepishly) admit that i seem to have developed some selective amnesia - meaning that i can't remember any of these stories in the least.]

the first one - "battleground", features an absolutely brilliant performance by william hurt. now here's an actor that i admit i tend to take for granted; i just don't notice or think of him very much, despite the kudos he always gets for his movies.

in this one he plays a cold-hearted hitman who gets some king-esque style revenge thrust upon him, and he really shines in this movie. ---> what's really, really cool is...there is absolutely no dialogue in the entire movie. none. for the entire hour. and william hurt is so brilliant he pulls it off with his screen presence alone....

well, thanks for stopping by, and i hope you come back soon.

remember today's thought-of-the-day: you can't have everything... (where would you put it???)